Hamsters On A Wheel

(this comment first appeared in the Singapore Angle in November 2008)

Since the independence of our island-nation, the establishment has sought to inundate its citizens with the value of being hamsters on a wheel -- that somehow there is a worthwhile payoff for being busy by going nowhere fast, and somehow the payoff seems to get larger the faster the hamster goes nowhere. And I suppose the hamster can experience the payoff as he earns another peanut, while conveniently ignoring that the wheel he runs on keeps the establishment warm at night (incidentally if anyone tries this at home, don't be surprised to have SPCA knocking on your door lol).

Which is perhaps why some hamsters choose to groom themselves better than the others, in the hope that they will be rewarded with more peanuts. Some may choose to run on the wheels longer than others for additional pet massage time, even if they cannot really understand why the establishment would value the powering up of one additional lantern (pet massages are of high perceived value to hamsters in case you are wondering). These are the hamsters who will leave when the establishment has no more food, or when another locale has better food (for the sake of argument, hamsters have freedom of movement).

And if hamsters somehow get the idea that they will still be fed without running on the wheel, they are sorely mistaken. Firstly, there will always be hamsters who are willing to run on the wheel, even if they are originally guinea pigs from another locale. Secondly, hamsters that don't perform on the wheel as they should will be replaced by new, hungry and, dare I say, more cost-effective ones. In this sense, hamsters who skive don't really bother the establishment; things will thus carry on regardless. Asking hamsters for their opinion is simply for (mutual?) entertainment.

Lady hamsters (please take this tongue-in-cheek as guy hamsters are not known for being exceptionally tactful) do not have much of a struggle compared to their male counterparts. The dissonance between peanuts and freedom tends not to apply as much to lady hamsters. For this group (in general), the game plan is to run as steadily as one can, raise a few baby hamsters, and gently lobby for as equal number of peanuts as guy hamsters when the opportunity arises. And if this means teaching newly-formed hamsters the (economic) value of being one, so be it -- they are not known to be particularly argumentative, except when having a discussion with their guy partners ;-)

Having covered the local situation, let's turn to hamsters abroad (hopefully I'm not stealing your thunder, Wayne!). Perhaps local hamsters view them with envy, that somehow there ought to be more peanuts 'over there', and wonder why they cannot have the same where they are. Perhaps overseas hamsters view local hamsters as weak and dependent, and may occasionally return to cause a minor mess to the establishment (through their droppings perhaps). Neither is desirable, because when a burglar enters to steal valuables (hamster food included perhaps?), the hamsters will scatter. Which self-respecting hamster would stay in a place where there are no peanuts?

I believe what the establishment needs are not so much hamsters (yes I know they keep one can warm at night -- don't try this, seriously, SPCA is watching!), but a Jack Russell Terrier (JRT). JRT's are intelligent, resourceful, observant, cute, quirky, and yes, some of them can be rather loud at times (JRTs call this 'an independent streak').

However, JRT's are fiercely loyal to the cause, not only because they do have ample dog food, but more importantly because through *interaction* with the establishment over the centuries, a mutual understanding of substantial meaning between the two has been reached. It is said that JRTs are among a select breed of dog that intimately understand facial, vocal and kinesthetic cues of humans, so much so that even before trouble strikes, the JRT alerts the owner. And rest assured that when burglars attempt entry without the establishment being around, JRTs rally to the cause, and battle tooth and nail to ensure its turf, even if they are next door exploring the next place to bury their favourite bone.

These are increasingly uncertain times. Eighteen months ago it seemed that there were plenty of peanuts to go around. Hamsters are sorely ineffectual during stormy seasons. If the establishment truly wants to safeguard this island's shores, get a JRT, and treat it like one i.e. no peanuts please!